Aren't bad relationships supposed to be the other way around?

This will be VERY VERY long....
It's Christmas and being home with my family has been great and I'm so glad I was able to get time off to see my dad home from Iraq and be around my parents. It's definetly weird and sad not having Brad here to open presents, eat dinner and play games. It's a bitter sweet day. On top of all that, other things that are going on has made me want time to go by faster.

So as some of you know I have been going through a little rough time lately. I try not to pour out my sadness on others but I guess everyone has a different way of dealing with things. Some talk to others, some forget about it, some find substitutes, I... blog.

Have you ever been so sad that it feels like you have a constant lump in your throat? What does it mean when people fight when they are apart but are great when they are together? Aren't bad relationships supposed to be the other way around? This is a VERY personal story to me and to be honest I don't know why I feel the need to tell it on here. I won't look very good but I'm human, cut me some slack. I went on a date a couple of nights ago and honestly wasn't looking forward to it. Sure, he's a nice guy but I knew even when he asked me out I wasn't interested. My heart wasn't into it. It was somewhere else and I knew it. From the minute he knocked on my door I realized I'd rather be with someone else. The thought, "I don't want to do this again" was repeating itself in my mind. As we drove to dinner we talked about where we were from, families, hobbies etc. We walked into Olive Garden and took our seats. I looked around remembering the last time I was there as my dates voice faded into the other conversations going on around me. I tried hard to listen so I would know how to answer and not be so rude. I cracked a smile thinking about someone else and a joke I might make or how easy the conversation would have been. He paid for dinner and as we got to the car I realized he wasn't going to open the door for me. On a thick patch of ice and the door of the jeep up to knees, I struggled my way in with a surprised feeling mixed with a "he would have opened the door and helped me in" thought. We talked about what to do next and I could tell he wanted to do something really active. He mentioned sledding, ice skating etc and when he said movie I jumped at the chance. With everything I have been going through I needed time and was looking forward to the dark theatre that would hide my obvious emotions. We decided on the movie Four Christmases. If you don't want to know about the movie or the ending stop reading. The movie started and I suddenly started to remember, again, the last time I was there. I couldn't help but to wish that someone else was sitting beside me. I would catch myself zoning out to possible senarios and then jump back into reality when a tear would blur my vision. The movie is about a unmarried couple who avoid spending time with their families especially during the holidays. They both came from divorced and twisted families and with fear of that happening to them, promised that they didn't need marriage or children to make them happy. By the end, the girl decided she wanted the family life. He, however, did not. They broke up thinking they were two different and it wouldn't work. Once he realized he did want that life, and with her, he shows up and tells her. During the movie I couldn't help but think how my fears have ruined so many good things for me and how maybe I don't appreciate what I have when I have it. Trying to protect yourself with caution is ok until you start to protect yourself from good things afraid it will go away. I'm going through a similar situation. I had the opportunity to shout out, show off and pour out what I had and how I felt. Now that I have those same feelings but can no longer express them I can now say I understand what "physical hurt" feels like. As I thought about all of this and being engaged in this movie, I forgot I was on this date. I don't want to sound rude or that there was anything wrong with this guy but that was a moment when I realized... "I'm not ready for this." Being in dead end relationships, going as far as you can go, knowing you're on two different roads is one thing. Being confused about what happened, having fun when you are together, knowing how good it could be if it had gone on longer is another. In those dead end relationships, it's easy to see the future without them in it. But when you can see someone you don't have anymore in your future is the most painful in my opinion. On the verge of tears, I swiftly walked to his car. I unlocked my front door and hugged him goodbye. I closed the door behind me and before taking another breath started to cry. I stood at the end of my steps because I didn't have the energy to walk up the stairs. I'm glad I have been able to finally feel the way I felt for someone else. I was afraid I never would. Maybe it wasn't supposed to work out and even now I'm not sure I believe that but I try very hard to tell myself either way I have to live with it. I tell myself it's ok, that I have gone through harder situations but as time goes on I start to wonder if that's true. One thing I know is true is that heartache is the most painful thing anyone can experience. When I am finally able to give myself to someone I don't love half way. That's a good thing and a bad thing. It's easy to be mad at them when you're trying to get rid of your feelings. It's the last thing to think of when you close your eyes at night and it's the first thing you think of when you open them. I have literally prayed out loud and asked God to take the thoughts away. When something you are into with your whole heart is taken from you and all you are left with are tears and that physical emotional pain, you feel like you have taken two steps back in life. I love reading the General Conference talks online and a lot of times will read them in these situations to humble myself again. One talk I read was by Quentin L. Cook in the "Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time." Joseph Smith was fasely accused in Liberty Jail and asked Heavenly Father, “O God, where art thou?" God's response was

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment."